So from the of point I was told that there was too much dialect involved, I was over using slang terms etc, and that needed to be shortened and if I wanted that effect then I could just use one or 2 abbreviations to denote that the character is a certain type of person. Also that the action in the story was not bringing it forward, and that it depends too much on text. I was giving away too much in the dialogue and most of it was unnecessary information, so I took that on board, leaving me thinking that if it isn't important then I may as well cut it from the dialogue.
Then we got onto the actual story and the structure of it, to which he said it was a bit confused, mainly because I haven't really decided on whose story i'm actually telling: Millie or Sarah. He said it starts and ends from Millie's POV, but the crucial middle section is all about Sarah, which is absolutely right so I need to really think about which character I actually want to follow and develop. There isn't enough room in 10 pages to focus on both which I completely agree with. I have to prioritise one or the other an the conflict and choices that they make, and now thinking about it i'm feeling like edging towards concentrating on Millie.
We then focused on the structure, an in terms of it he felt too much happens via text or on the phone. I'm asking the audience to read, which is literally telling and not "showing".
There was a scene I was wanting to include which consists of Sarah receiving a note from a mysterious man, however Steve brought up the issue that it can't just appear explaining the backstory and just vanish, it has to earn its keep which is again extremely true! Then coming towards the end of our talk about my scripts structure we talked about the ending and that I need to decide on which event is more important. Sarah and Millie reconciled, Sarah changing her life, Millie getting another job? etc, so I have much food for thought here and a lot of progress to be made!
Finally we then spoke about the tiny things like the layout etc, it seems pretty good however just a few mistakes on unnecessary things like adding 'fade in' or 'cut to', as they are not needed unless it is crucial to the story.
With all of this feedback I've received and with the time I have, I'm confident on shaping the script into something that has conflict and change in abundance and which focuses on one main character rather than confusing the fundamental plot of the story with trying to find a balance between the two.
(Example of over-usage of phone/texting)
There was a scene I was wanting to include which consists of Sarah receiving a note from a mysterious man, however Steve brought up the issue that it can't just appear explaining the backstory and just vanish, it has to earn its keep which is again extremely true! Then coming towards the end of our talk about my scripts structure we talked about the ending and that I need to decide on which event is more important. Sarah and Millie reconciled, Sarah changing her life, Millie getting another job? etc, so I have much food for thought here and a lot of progress to be made!
Finally we then spoke about the tiny things like the layout etc, it seems pretty good however just a few mistakes on unnecessary things like adding 'fade in' or 'cut to', as they are not needed unless it is crucial to the story.
With all of this feedback I've received and with the time I have, I'm confident on shaping the script into something that has conflict and change in abundance and which focuses on one main character rather than confusing the fundamental plot of the story with trying to find a balance between the two.
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